So I've been gone a while. I have been doing more artwork lately and much more music. However, school is consuming much of my time. So for those who are interested in my work, you may be seeing more of it in the future, but not till summer!

Well, I've been away for over a year now, checking in at times. But I haven't submitted anything new in a long time. That's fine. I've been busy. Moved again. Been working. Going back to college this fall. Most excellent. Not much else to say. I live in a beautiful new home and my guinea pigs are very happy. How is everyone else?

Stresssssssssssssssss.......

I've decided that I should no longer be stressed. I just can't handle it anymore. I'm going to take everything with a grain of salt now. I have nothing to worry about really. My husband is amazingly understanding and patient with my UBER emotional ways. He constantly encourages me to explore my own interests. Take time off from taking care of the house and bills and everything. He pushes me to write and express myself and ALL of my feelings.

I just WISH that I could. I wish that I could make myself relax and do that. I wish I had the nerve to TRULY explore all of my emotions. But I'm not sure if I'm really ready to dig deep enough to fully understand and unmask what is driving my...I dunno.

I want to paint again. I want to draw again. I want to write more! I want to create something beautiful...But I just can't put my finger on what.

As for stress...work has been hellacious. It's settling down now. I have more time on my hands, so I really have no excuse! I am out of my in-laws house now. And, as much as I miss them, I know it's for the best. They still visit and I stop by every week. So that's good. Medical bills are taken care of. Almost completely recovered from the car accident I walked away from in September. And I am FINALLY rid of a great source of fear and pain...

Or am I? Everywhere I go...every time I leave my house, I have to wonder if I'm being watched. I have to wonder if he's going to show up at my house and hurt me the way he's threatened to. I have to wonder what he's thinking...and it's sick that anyone could EVER have that kind of effect on a person. This stress kills...

SO today I break away! Today I lay it to rest...I don't care anymore. I'm letting this go. I will not allow him to have a grip on me or my life. I will not allow him to have the satisfaction of knowing that he can get to me...because as of now, he can't. He can burn in his own self made hell.

That being said, I can now begin to pick apart my feelings. Sort out what and who I am from the inside, honestly with myself. From this dissection there will hopefully spring some new ideas, new inspiration, and new solutions.

So much going on in my life lately. It's driving me quite insane! But that's ok because the happenings are good. So much planning. So much to think about. So much to figure out. But that's ok.

Green/Rose/Gold...diamonds. They are a girl's best friend? I dunno. All I know is that life goes on and drags you along on your leash, prepared or not. Time changes people minute to minute. Stop go. Stop go. Stop...go...

You meet the most beautiful person in the world. Your attention is captured and time stops. The world stands still. In that very instant, you know that you'll love them forever, and time starts again. Speeding to make up for the lapse. Everything is a whirlwind. Smiles. Tears. Days. Nights. Sleeping, waking. Touching. Laughing. Talking. Planning. And then it happens: reality hits and it scares the crap out of you. But if you really love them, you pick yourself up and you run to catch up.

Your world can be built and broken in an instant and then rebuilt completely different. Day after day after day. But the constant is the love. Knowing that they wouldn't have it any other way. Knowing that no matter how confusing or contradictory your actions...they just know they love you. So they take your hand and calm you down. And you go again.

Stop. Go..

Now the point in time comes when you can choose to stop. Be comfortable in the love you have. Knowing that it is pure and that it is happy now. Or you can continue on. Learning each day new ways to love. BUilding greater roads to the heart of your love. The roads may be rocky. They may be steep. They may be slick. But you must decide.

Is your destination worth it? What do you stand to gain by going on?

Today I choose to continue. I want to run ahead with full force. I'll run day and night. Through any weather. No matter the terrain. I will run until the roads end and I have found my place...next to you.

Stop...Go...Stop...

Go...





Stop.

Purge me... Purge me of this doubt. I know not what to feel, think or do. All I know is desparation. Desparation to find clarity. Desparation to go back. Desparation to find you. A shrowd of darkness seems to cloud my path and my thoughts, a shrowd of doubt and uncertainty. There is one thing that I know for a fact: I am scared. Scared...scarred. Afraid. And the fear leaves its mark. And the scars run deep. No bandage. No balm. Not even the Balm of Gilliad can make them leave. And they are not from you. You have left no marks. No scars. It the is pain. The fear. The disease of The Past flaring up and relapsing again. And this sickness...is incurable.

I hesitate to write. I fear the tidal wave to come. The torrent of emotion and the fear. The fear. Always the fear. The fear of losing. The fear of being lost. The fear or leaving. The fear of being left. The fear of loving. The fear of being loved. The fear of hurting and being hurt.

But the Catharsis is needed. The Purging must happen. The Honesty cannot be hidden. And the Disclosure...the Disclosure. I am afraid. But you hold me. You comfort me. YOU love me.

Please purge me. Cleanse me. Rid me of this demon. Slay him like a fowl dragon. And save me from the deadly grasp...

Free me. See me. Be me. And I will love thee...

Love thee...love thee. I say that I love thee. And thou dost believe me. And I fear again the loving. I fear the trust. For with it comes much responsibility. And this is the ultimate fear because I know that I am accountable to you. But it is a sweet obligation. One that I delight is upholding.

To be near you. To smell you. Taste you. Breathe you... To see you. To hear you. To know you. To love you... To love you...

The sweetest taste is the taste of your smile. The most beautiful sight to me is the shining light of your soul. The most comforting feeling is the touch of your arms holding me. The song of my soul is your heart beating.